The Possibility of Dying

One of the reasons I became a volunteer was hoping I could become peaceful about my dying. When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I had a very deep, visceral fear of dying. Though the intensity faded, the fear remained.  Volunteering at Zen Hospice was my first step in dealing with this fear. 

I remember my first volunteer shift so clearly. It was with a man in his 30’s or 40’s dying of AIDS. He was skin and bones, not eating any longer. I sat by his side and rested my hand on his arm. His eyes were open but he wasn’t seeing anything in the room. He seemed so far away.

I asked him if he wanted a drink of water.  He didn’t respond. After a few moments I asked again. Slowly he came back to the room and looked at me and nodded his head. As I gave him a sip of water I wondered where he had been that it took him so long to come back. I then thought that if I were to die slowly I would have the opportunity to go where he was and experience that myself. I realized that I only felt curiosity about that, no fear. I was simply present to the possibility of dying. 

I deeply appreciate the teaching I received that day.